An Open Letter To 2017

Dear 2017,

It feels as if it was just yesterday, when you had come as a new year into my life. I remember how much broken I was. So much broken that my 'new year's resolution' was to find happiness at any cost. I can't believe time flew so fast, and your successor 2018 is coming in just a couple of days.

I remember the first day when I was totally lost, aimless, shattered, hopeless, suicide prone and just sad. But there was a flicker of hope still burning in my heart and I had decided to find happiness by exploring myself. So it was you, your beginning that motivated be to have a new beginning. So I kinda love you for that, and this very reason makes you a very special and memorable year for me.

Then the process of self love, exploring myself, finding out what makes me happy, and being kinda selfish for my happiness began. I stopped caring about the life's harshness, I tried to face challenges with a new prospective and looked forward towards new days.

 I think that was really great because at the end of the day, I found out the I was slowly beginning to heal. I was moving on, I was able to leave my past behind. I was able to forget the monsters of crushed my hearts and burnt my soul.

And in this process of finding myself, almost 4 months passed. It felt like they passed in a blink of eyes. It was time to enter into a new class, leaving old friends behind and making new friends. Being an introvert, it was kinda scary for me. I was depressed for weeks, unable to adjust into the new people, but thankfully, I was confident enough to face them with a smile.

I had thought I'd fail in making new friends, but I did manage to make a really good bond with the new people and now I can call them as my friends. I am still an introvert, and I don't have any problem with that. I take that as a part of my identity, but I'm happy that I'm confident enough to be myself and let the people know my real-silent self.

and in the process of making new friends, 3 months passed. I was happy. Really happy. I was successful in fulfilling my resolution and I was proud of myself. Because compared to what I was in the beginning of the year, I was in a really better state. I loved myself, and I loved my life. I was no more prone to suicidal thoughts and I could smile all the time. I was even able to ignore the negativity that used to happen around me.

But there was still some pain written in my fate. My destiny couldn't bear that I found happiness and that I healed completely all by myself (and oh yes! With the help of my best friend too. If she wouldn't have been there, I don't know what I'd do. So thank you, girl.)

Just when I was the happiest girl alive, just when I felt I'm the luckiest, just when I had reached the highest level of self satisfaction, life turned upside down again. Something that I hadn't imagined even in my wildest dreams happened and I was broken like never before. I was broken all over again.

I was broken to a point where I thought I couldn't heal ever again. All the hope was lost again and I was devastated. I hadn't felt that much pain ever in my life because I even lost the support of my very own people and nothing could broke me more than that. I was being punished for something that I didn't even do. 
 
I had fallen,
Only to get up again,
With a stronger 
Version of myself.

I had an experience of finding myself. I knew what exactly makes me happy. Though I had lost hope, I was still alive. And I knew that I'm alive even after suicide attempts, then it just means that there is still something that I'm meant to do, that I'm supposed to complete before I end my journey of life.

So I slowly began healing again. In this process, I found out who are the people who truly care about me, and who do not. And that was of course extremely benificial for me because if I wouldn't have got this trauma, I wouldn't have even seen the real colours of some people. So Alhamdulillah for that!

I did things that made me happy. I read a lot of novels, I wrote quotes, I wrotee novels myself, I wrote poems, and I stayed alone too.

To explore myself again. And I healed. Slowly, but I did.

This tragedy didn't do any harm to me, it just made me even more stronger. So strong that I don't even cry anymore and negativity and harshness doesn't effect me anymore, not at all.

No matter what happens, now inside me only positive vibes are remaining. I believe that I am a self made woman and nothing can break me anymore. (Except for some people who are really close to my heart. After all,  I am still a human and human need bonds to be alive, so yeah.)

The healing process to around 3 months and now Alhamdulillah I have healed. I am happy again. I do feel scared that now that I am happy, some harshness will be again thrown at me, but I believe that I can face that too. I will definitely face that with my head held up high. So in his way, 10 months of 2017 passed. And the rest 2 months were Alhamdulillah spent in happiness, real bliss and pride.

I am glad to say that I'm proud of my self.

I believe that healing is an achievement after trauma and I'm really happy that I achieved it.

I have to dedicate my happiness to some people and they know who they are. Without them, maybe I wouldn't have even been alive today.

So dear 2017, thank you for being a benificial year for me. I will never ever forget you because this year, I found what I am, I found what makes me happy and I found what I love. 

Now that you are going, I hope you advice your successor to not throw harshness on me since I don't want to face anymore tragedies. I truly, with all my heart, wish to be happy. And In sha Allah, I will be happy.

With that said, I am ready to bid you bye. And thank you, for all the life lessons you gave to me. I'm sure I have gained the highest level of strength this year.

I carried my pain as wings on my shoulders and used them to fly even more higher. I turned my scars into diamonds that make me strongest and unbreakable and help me in shining so bright that I can even light up other people's world.

Yours truly, 
Me..